Straight from childhood..

             I was born straight. Sparse hair but straight nevertheless. In my maternal family I was the only one with that kind of hair (courtesy the paternal genes). The only woman who had such straight hair was my naani (grandmother). She took it upon herself to see that my strands were nourished so that they become as long as hers (a distant dream).
             The relatives never had enough of playing with my hair. The women in the family would stroke my hair and sigh. "Just touch and see, her hair is soo silky to touch." I would get irritated with people always commenting on it. It was not a good thing to say to a child bubbling with energy who would rather like compliments on her climbing skills than on the naturally endowed hair.
             Naani would oil my hair daily and wash it. It would then be dried with the vapors coming from the coconut shells and cumin seeds burning. Till I was 10, I never used a shampoo. It was the shikakai soap which I would use at the most. Growing up years (read the teenage) introduced me to a world of products which so far were forbidden in the kingdom of naani :P
             My first stint with hair problems started the year we had school in the morning. Gone were the days where I would get enough time to wash my hair and dry it at leisure. On days I could wash it, I would be in a hurry to tie it up wet. Lack of care made my soft silky straight hair a mess. It would tangle easily and started coiling at the ends.
             My experiments to straighten it started then. I discovered that if you use enough Hammam soap (read almost half the bar) to wash your hair it would become silky. True fact. I would love to flaunt my hair but it would last only the day on which I washed it with Hammam. I would spend so much time washing my hair with Hammam that it became impossible to wash it during school days! Only when Dad discovered how the soap ran out so early in the month did my foolish trick came out in the bright. What followed was lecture on how I was damaging my hair with so much alkalinity.
             During holidays I visited  naani and she was distraught looking at my hair. "See I told you not to play out in the afternoons. The sweat is doing it!" she would lecture. The fact that I was almost 12 and done with playing out at noon did not deter her. She first introduced me to a shampoo. Sunsilk black was the one she used. I remember it well because I was overjoyed that I would finally use a shampoo and get the perfect shiny hair as shown in the advertisement.
            My joy was short lived because I soon learnt that the shampoo could do little to get my straight hair back. The maternal genes were dominating my strands and soon they turned more wavy then I would like them to. The hair in front were short and would roll back giving me almost  curly hair in the front like Juhi Chawla in the olden days :( So upset I became with this turn of events that I used a scissor to cut them off and ended up looking ridiculous :P
           My last 2 years in school were the worst in terms of my hair. Mom would plait them in the morning and by the time I came home and freed them, they were as curvy as the sea waves. The front hair was as irritating as ever.
           One of the saddest things to hear, second only to "You have become fat" is "What happened to your hair??" The very people who would swoon over my hair now never missed a chance to remind me what my hair was like! There's some wicked pleasure we all derive from the downfall of people who have what we don't have..
          I considered straightening my hair for the Class 10 send-off but Mom was against it. The friendly neighborhood beautician was ready to do it at a low cost but still I couldn't get a nod from my dear mother. I decided to take matters into my hand. Armed with a shampoo, a conditioner, a towel and the iron at home, I set out to practice the making of a straight hair at home.
                                                 
           I washed my hair with the shampoo and then applied the rinsing conditioner. Then I went a step further and applied a leave in conditioner. I wrapped my hair in the towel and ran the iron over the ends of my hair. It was tough doing it all alone with the constant fear of burning my scalp. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
          Although the hair looked visibly longer it looked like a broom. Within a  few hours my hair became all sticky and I had to wash it the next day. Thank goodness I didn't do it on the send off day :P
         I left all thoughts of straightening my hair until I went to my cousin who had this awesome hair straightener. She volunteered to straighten my hair and voila my hair never looked longer. I loved my hair and couldn't stop twirling and eyeing the length in the mirror. I made sure that mom saw it enough so that I could convince her to buy one for me. No tricks ever work with dear mom when it comes to hair altering.
                                              
         With a heavy heart I compromised with the fact that I m not getting a straightener and secretly resolved that I would buy one as soon as I can with my own money :P
          This was 4 years back. Then came the trend when almost everyone straightened their hair. From blonde brooms to poker straight to the natural (read permanent) straightening. Everywhere you turn, everywhere you see-  straight hair in your face (quite literally if you travel in local trains).
          What we forget is that-beautiful hair comes from caring for them. By caring, it does not imply not pushing your hair behind the ears lest the straightened hair curve. It does not mean not washing your hair for days so that the temporary straight hair doesn't wear off. It does not mean subjecting the hair to ridiculous amounts of sweating because you fear rolling it up will spoil the effect.
         Your hair is beautiful as it is. All you need is right care. There are innumerable products which provide this care. Choose your pick.
          Wouldn't it be ridiculous if capsicum wanted to be red in color so that it could look like tomato? What's the point of everyone going for a straight hair?
          I personally feel that your hair type would be great if you take proper care of it. Straightening can be kept for special occasions but then its better to do it at a parlor than harass the hell out of that pretty hair at home!
         After regularly oiling, caring and massaging my scalp well and protecting it from harsh chemicals, my hair now feels soft and silky. I have begun to accept and love the waves :D
         I feel that when S ruffles my hair and I don't reach for the comb to straighten my hair :D Running my fingers over my hair sorts them out :D I m wavy happy :D

P.S: This post is written for Sunsilk The Straight Hair Experiment.
http://www.indiblogger.in/topic.php?topic=70

       

The month that went by..

             The piles of notes posted in last update have been miraculously studied and reproduced in exam (although how much percent I don't know!)
             November started with exams :( The first part of the exam was before Diwali and went very well for me. Then came diwali which I spent eating and putting on weight ( I can't believe I have to start shedding it all over again ) and ofcourse studying.
             Mom and bro left for native and well it was different. Different in the sense that I haven't been away from them so long and more different because me and Dad had to do everything :P
             I would set up my alarm as early as 4 am to keep the dough for chapati outside the fridge along with the milk. I would head to bed to sleep for a couple of hours and get up again at 6 am and make chapatis for breakfast and lunch while Dad made the vegetable. The last two exams for some reason were very bad for me. After returning home there would be piles of clothes to be washed. Sigh! I was out of breathe and would sleep as soon as I hit the sack. Once the theory papers were done I had 4 days of holiday and then began the practical exams.
           December didn't begin on a good note with me messing up my chemistry practicals. I just hope it all gets fine :(
          S came for work on 3rd Dec and stayed up there till 4th afternoon :( I  had exams on till 4th evening and then early morning on 5th. So there went our precious chance of spending time.
         I had my biotechnology practicals on 4th and God knows I didn't give a damn about those poor microbes. All I wanted was to end it early so that I can see S.
        It was all kind of new to us. I mean we have never met in such circumstances. He standing outside my college and me getting out of the lab and smelling of chemicals (Thank God it was chemistry that day and Bless the person who made deos). I quick dab and spray and out I was to meet him :)
        Will the sight of seeing this man wait for me ever stop making me blush!!
        For a moment he gazed at me and I wondered if I was looking weird with all that hurry but was relieved when he said, "Acchi lag rahi ho" :P
       We had just 3 hours on hand and 40 minutes of it was in the autorickshaw :P
       We watched Talaash and even though I knew the suspense all along, S didn't let me tell him :D :D It was worth the expression S gave when the suspense was revealed! He unbelievably stared at the screen and I kept looking at him ! Whatte expression :D :D
       Was sooo exhausted that day but a day well spent. S left the next day while I was again giving another practical exams. Damn them :(
     
      So the exams are finally over and the very next day a new semester was started. Such sadists!
       Its 7th December already! Where did the year run by???
       It feels like it was just last week I wrote a post welcoming 2012. This sure has been the fastest year for me and yes I met S many times this year :D 

Lighting up..

             ITs the brightest time of the year in Mumbai and I believe in the the rest of the country too. The chills in the air have already set the perfect ambiance for Diwali. The streets are lighted with a plethora of colours, beautiful lanterns and ofcourse the colorful outfits of the people :)
           
             As a child, Diwali meant vacations :) We would be given Diwali homework and there would be a prize for the best decorated and well written Diwali homework book. We would work so much on the book. I would write it first in a rough book and then make it fair only after I was satisfied. The coloring, collecting stamps if the work demanded, the charts and the final stage of decorating the exterior. It seemed so important then! I never got a prize for it courtesy the better made books by parents of other kids :P Damn I have serious issues with such parents!!!
               
            Diwali also meant lots of chocolates, sweets and shopping. Wearing new clothes in Diwali was a MUST and I used to go with Mom for shopping as soon as my mid term exams were done. As the years progress you realise that shopping in Diwali is over rated :P The prices are double fold, the crowds multifold and the quality of garments 1/1000th of what you get otherwise. It seemed so essential to be dressed up in the best clothes and do nothing but flaunt it with other kids while now even if I go to buy I m always thinking, "I could buy two outfits at that price and the colour is dull anyway" :P

       Before Diwali the whole locality would be busy with cleaning the house and making snacks called "faraal" locally which includes chakli, karanji, ladoos, naan and a lot of others.
 
             I and dad would set up the lights for the house and we had this lantern which lasted for years :D  Now the house is lighted by dad and my brother while I only light up my room :P

 

   I remember when I was younger I didn't know how to make a rangoli but I wanted to do it anyway. So I made Mom buy me rangoli colours and I would sit hours making a designed then sweeping it all off and then again making another. I used to make things like a big lotus and drain up all the pink colour. The first proper rangoli design was taught to me by my mother. The traditional seven dotted rangoli..  Following that the coming years I used to make designs on paper then color it with crayons and try to make it on floor with rangoli. Some worked and some didn't. Years of practice and scheming brought me to a stage where I can draw rangoli impromptu :D

         Yes, these are what I can make now :D

         On the laxmi puja day, we make special delicacies at home and do a small prayer.
         Then comes the bhai dooj which is similar to raksha bandhan..Only that here the sister gives gifts :D

         The five days of diwali are loaded with calories and lots of masti and truly is the festival that lights up people :)
         Happy diwali people. Make the most of it :)

        The piles of notes are temporarily set aside as the next exam is on 19th :) Two more exams left!
        Now off to clean that cupboardful of clothes.. Yes I need to make space for what I will buy after the Diwali frenzy is over :D

         
       

Only thing on my mind!!

             8 days to go! Terror starts on 1st november :( :(

             For someone who has always studied last moment since degree college started, it is taking time to dawn on me that there are ONLY 8 DAYS TO GO  and piles of notes left unread :( :(

             So I have arranged the notes in such a way that they are a constant remainder of impending doom if I don't start reading up :(

    Off I go to start my day with biochemistry.. Yes I m loving my life!!!!!! 

                                   

Its a yellow day !

           For me yellow defines happiness :)
         
           Yellow flowers would lift my spirits more than the red ones :P They say red for love and yellow for friendship. I say yellow for what makes you happy :)
           

             
         I love the bright yellow houses in the countryside although people find them funny. They have this cartoon like feel to them. You know the houses in cartoons which are so sunny and bright, but the yellow ones are so sprightly!!
        When it came to coloring my own room, I went for a shade of yellow called mango yellow with a combination of raspberry red. My mom almost scorned at the combination although Dad yielded to my color sense. The room is now my own corner of brightness and ofcourse the final effect did please everyone.
     
         Coming to what I said is a yellow day- Its that day of the navratri when the whole city is dressed in yellow. Yes there is a color for every day of the nine days which is followed according to the color of the sari the goddess is dressed. Its a fun concept wherein most of the people choose to follow the color and its almost as if we are all "one".

        So everything in life is pretty much the same.
        Long hours at college, the crowded trains, the serpentine lines at the bus stop, the even more crowded and sweaty bus ride, the walk back home, the piled up work..... :/
       
       The lectures are little late in the day today..
       So I have had a good 9 hours of sleep
       Enjoyed a slow breakfast without worrying about missing the train,
       Studied a chapter ( Yaaay I m feeling great about it!!)
      Blogged in the morning ( That's a rarity)
     
       Now all set to ready up my yellow top and have a leisurely bath and set out to  catch a almost empty noon train :D :D   Yes, its a yellow day for me :D        

                                                 
P.S : If you are not feeling happy and its not a yellow day for you, here's something which will make you appreciate what you have..

The child of the woman selling clips on train.. 

                                                The shadowy figure on the extreme right is the mother..
                                               The child is acting asleep while the mother was trying to tickle her with a clip
                                              It was so touching and beautiful to see.. I guess all mother child relations are..                              Here's happiness that's created out of nothing! 

And then there came a wish so true..

              Over the last few posts, I have been trying to revive the blog from its comatose state. The reason I refrained from writing has always been that I don't like my negativity rubbing on here but I couldn't help it. When you wear dark glasses, you see darker and you cannot blame your sight for it. Things went from bad to worse and yes I have been driven to the edge so much that I questioned the Almighty about his existence in the last post. I asked him to give answers and prove himself. 
             That night, as I was typing away furiously with eyes blurred by tears, little did I know that my questions would be answered so soon. 
              In that post I had a few requests,

Do not and I repeat DO NOT send people into my life out of nowhere and link them to my heart

The next morning was no better. S and I were cold again and I told him that I won't come back because he hasn't asked me to stay. We are not in a relationship. He hanged up due to some work. He called me up twice after that but I did not see his call. 
In the evening he called again. My mood was not at all chirpy when he asked me "Guess karo me kaha hu". 
"Me kaise guess karu tum kaha ho?" In my mind I was mouthing- I m still pissed off with you. Do something about it!
"Mumbai aane wali bus me"
For the first few minutes I thought he was fooling me and did not show any happiness. It dawned on me much later that he really was coming to my city. 

So my dear God had already sent someone into my life! 

Do not give me dreams that will keep me sleepless.

The news of him coming caught me unaware. Beauty parlor, the clothes, the excuses, the hangouts, what to talk, what to clear, what to do.. everything kept me awake and when I slept, dreams of something going wrong startled me.

Block the memories that make me cry all night
The memories of the past came flooding by. I kept mentally revising what all had gone wrong. What all I should have thought about. So many happy memories of US..

                                   

If possible make my back stronger or reduce the load on me.
I had kept complaining on how my health was deteriorating and my stress increasing. I didn't know it then that the same excuse will help me miss classes for the  next 2 days!

Try and isolate all madly in love people and keep me away from them
These very people who irritated the life of me, helped me with the excuses ;) Yes I love them!

Make me thin or stop people taunting me but do not let me faint.
"I think you have put on weight" S said as he stared at me. Atleast I m not fainting :P Thank God for that! And somehow it sounds less offensive than "You look sick.. I think you have lost weight too due to ill health" 


Show me the direction or lead me through. Do not leave me in hands that ditch me midway.
Send in someone who would hold me through and STAY or make me immune to that thing called LOVE.

I walked with the man who leads me through when I m without spectacles. 
The man who doesn't leave my hand and holds  it tighter in crowd. 
Who holds me and tells me "You will be fine, just jump down." while I m saying "No I will fall!!" 
The man who promises to stay when I ask him not to leave me... 

                                      
IT just feels great to be loved the way you love someone,
To be missed as much as you have missed someone,
To be wanted as badly as you want someone,
To be told the above in the most direct ways,
with a little cheek pulling :P 
                                         

Thank you God for all the answers and I did get some of it from OH MY GOD :D Yes, this just couldn't have been a coincidence :D 
As for the last bit about focus on studies, I shouldn't push my luck too hard, should I? ;) 

I did not think I would ever write this S, but..

61.. I love it when you play with my hair!

62.  I love it the way you giggle when I tickle you.

63.  I love the way you say you are scared :) How I love to hold you when  you say that!

64. I love your boyish laughter in the movie.. I could just keep watching you!

65. I love the way you accept my ideas however crazy they are :D :D 

66. I love how you never miss an opportunity to take me into your arms 

67. I love the look you gave when I told you I will leave you stranded and won't return. That reprimanded kid look you gave made me want to come back to you :D :D 

68. I love the way you are so smart dealing with people :P 

69. I love the way you said you want me. No words but a nod ;) 

70. I love that from "We are not in a relationship" in the auto,  "We are in a relationship"  while getting out of auto happened! 

                    

Dear God..

Dear God,
I m assuming you haven't forgotten me yet. While the whole world is messing me up, what are you doing up there? You give me ample signals of what is right and what is not and yet no strength to stand through it? What is it that others have but you have failed to give me? Why is it that you made me so delicate that I can't stand the people you made much more capable of handling this life. Why is it that you gave me relations that have hurt me more than love me?
I fear I will land into some dark corner where even you cannot reach me. There's too much darkness surrounding me and I might succumb to it if you don't send me some light.
A few requests I have :
Do not and I repeat DO NOT send people into my life out of nowhere and link them to my heart.
Do not give me dreams that keep me sleepless.
Block the memories that make me cry all night.
If possible make my back stronger or reduce the load on me.
Try and isolate all madly in love people and keep them away from me.
Make me thin or stop people taunting me but DO NOT let me faint!
Show me the direction or lead me through. Do not leave me in hands that ditch me midway.
Send in someone who would hold me through and STAY or make me immune to that thing called LOVE.
A battered childhood I can put behind the thick shades of material benefits, but a broken heart I cannot mend. Heal it or kill it for all I care!
I cannot focus right now on what I need to study then why in this world can I not "not focus" on what I don't want to remember?
I can wait through the years for my gift from you.. That which I thought will end my loneliness but I had no idea you had a more worse kind in store for me. If not you than who? Who could have had more control than  you??
Was my faith not enough? Was my love not enough? Was my trust in you not enough? Did I not pray enough to you before everything I did? Did I not come with a heavy heart when it first broke, to you? Did I not wish the same thing for all the years? Is it not true that there's one time in the day when you listen to prayers? Have you chosen to be deaf ear to what I asked every day, every moment? Why have you abandoned me? Was my share of troubles not enough for you to favor me?

Like all things now in my life, I want proof ! If you love and care then set it alright. Forever. If you don't then maybe like everything else, my faith was also an illusion..

Sniff.. sniff.. and sneeeze

 That's all I have been doing last two days..


  Hot water steam, tumblers of water and a couple of crocins, liberal use of vicks vaporub, strips of strepsils later, the temperature went down but the cold and the weakness remained. Sigh! Is there no cure for cold? Seriously??
 Morning visit to the clinic turned into an afternoon entry into doc's cabin. My regular doc was off on a vacation and the bachpan ka doc had a serpentine queue of people and I happened to be 65th of those people! A shot and a dose of 5 tablets later, I finally feel alive enough to eat and not feel like I swallowed mud.
Struggling to write the journals today :( Practical exams tomorrow. God save me for you alone know I have read nothing!
How I crave for a chicken soup :( I hate it when I have cold and can't get my comforting soup because of the mouth ulcers :( :( 

Shades of Grey

          No, its not a review of the book :P 
          Its something that's been on my mind a lot these days.
         
          I come from an old school of thoughts. You know the kind who know that fairytales aren't real but wish it were! 
          I grew up in an atmosphere hostile to love and romance. I hardly ever saw that "perfect" couple. I rather saw more of drunk husbands thrashing their wives, of estranged couples living with "the other" partner, of men mentally harassing their wives. Not so pleasant place for a young girl to grow up in. Not when she understands everything. 
          Although we shifted to a better place, the images stayed on. My thoughts were restricted to what my parents chose to limit it to, but my eyes were taking it all in, introspecting and analyzing. 

          I always considered love to happen only once. The next time around it is always a compromise. I believe that the kind of love which does not calculate and assess the partner for benefits, that which unconditionally loves the other person can happen only once. And it does. The consequent ones are well thought of, much deliberated and practical. Its what can be called "mature" love although I don't feel that is any term at all ;)

          I believed that one must wait for "the one". Once in a relation, one must try best to keep it with all faith. The best relations don't come custom made. They are fruits of patience and labor. If it does not work then it wasn't the right one. The girl who keeps giving tries to find the one is called "loose character" as she is the one who has tried and tested many and the society has no respect for such likes. The society turns blind to its own flaws and brands other's mistakes as "characterless". But one must live in a society and more than that one must not make the parents feel ashamed of their progeny. So liberal you might be but its ultimately the society which wins unless you live in a society of liberals. 
          People talk if I talk to guys (who were once my classmates) outside my building gate. It upsets my father who like every father cannot bear to listen anything against the daughter and so we all shut up and behave the way society likes. 

         So far well defined borders. One girl with only one committed relation or better still married with consent of parents- White
         A girl in search of love but a poor judge of men or maybe just not finding the right one and hence lot of relations - Black
             
         College expands your field of influence. You meet people from various backgrounds. Not only the college but a lot of experiences beyond the safe world makes you aware of that large grey area. 

        On one hand I meet this girl and guy who are in a relationship with their respective partners (yes read that again) but have found that "special something" in each other. They do not want to let go of their stable partners but they know they will never find that connect with their partners. So why not stick with each other? Coz that is not practically feasible! Yes its a strange cocktail of practical and emotional needs. 
       
       I have met people who are so immensely career centric that they consider everything else as a secondary arrangement. So as per the change in their syllabus, the partner changes :P With a new degree comes a new partner. "Its not serious, its not the age to be serious. We are just 20! WE have a lot of time to meet people and select the one." 
      Do I blame them? Maybe not. They are right as far as their aspirations go. They cannot be with a stable partner and not lose out on the partner if they are to go places right? 

      I know of a girl who has been in a "friends with benefits" relation. It might have repelled me some 5 years back, but not now. I see that special conversations. They stimulate each other intellectually. On an emotional level, they are not ready to commit. But do I miss the glow on her face when she is with him? Isn't it worth something? Maybe its worth the "friends with benefits" tag. If its worth her happiness, who are we to judge it ?

      The crux of the whole so called grey area?  HAPPINESS.  

     Alright on the downside, there are people who take advantage of others. Give them hope of some deeper commitment and get all the pampering only to bade a goodbye when a better opportunity arises. Do I call that black? Maybe these people are giving their try to happiness! 

      I have seen a woman ( my former maid) who lived with a man who was mentally unstable but had only some outbursts. He was perfectly normal otherwise. This man, her husband, would harass her to the extent which I cannot write here. On one Vata savitra day, I saw her carrying a thali to the banyan tree to pray for the long life of her husband. Do I call it white?? Did she ever get any happiness out of it? She died soon after because she was too ill and her husband too unstable to notice or take care of her.

     We as a society would have never accepted if the above said woman had left her husband and found someone better. We would have branded her a "slut" for having ditched her man in times of need and living sinfully with someone else. Its another thing to know of her full story and deny it while reading her that "No I wouldn't have done so. I would have respected her choice". Would you apply the same logic when thinking of someone else whose story you dont know??  

       

Happy Ganesh Chaturthi.

           Ganesh Chaturthi is celebrated with great pomp in Mumbai for all of 11 days. Unlike many other places where Ganesh idol is brought into a community or a temple, here many Maharashtrian houses bring the lord to their homes and immerse the idol on 1 1/2 days, 3 days, 5days, 7 days and sometimes on the 11th day. The streets are full of people colored with gulal, dancing to the dhol beats and a ambiance of love for the lord is created all over. 
                                 




                                         

We do not bring the Ganesh idol home but the festival is celebrated in its own special way in our home. 
On the day of Ganesh Chaturthi, the whole house is cleaned first thing in the morning. I and Mom start with the cooking. 7 different types of vegetable dishes, a sweet dish and the regular food is prepared. The sweet dish is usually kheer. 
Dad brings home 5 different types of fruits, sweets, tender coconut and beetle leaves and nut. 
The food is laid out on plaintain leaf before the small prayer place at home. Water in a small silver tumbler is kept. 
Together we perform aarti reading out the bhajans from the books. I m glad I learnt most of them at school so I lead the whole aarti :) 
                After the aarti is done, we lay out the similar food on another plantain leaf in the memory of our loved ones who passed away and keep it for the crows. 
                The food kept for the Lord is then shared as prasad after which we have a quite lunch laid out on the leaves. 
                 For once the house looks peaceful and graced by the Lord. In this simple but special way, the Lord is remembered and thanked and asked for forgivance. 
                 
                 When I was younger, my parents used to take a leave on one of the 11 days and we would go visiting the Ganpati pandals all day. I would love to see the different idols all over the place and insist to wait and watch the various shows which they had at the pandals. 
                 There used to be different themes for these shows. Some mythological, some on current issues. One particular year it was all about the Kargil wars and I was so much absorbed into it that I would want to watch the show at every pandal. Roaming around in the sun, eating outside and still more roaming would ensure that I feel sick somewhere (yea I was and am that sensitive :P ) and following it would be glasses of Limca to make me feel better. Yet the next year I would be willing to go through the ritual all over.. 
                  Now I no longer get leave to visit the pandals all day and the shows have lost their appeal. I now see the ugly faces behind the whole pandal (collecting or rather forcing money out of the people, using that money for personal gains, the drunken bash after the visarjan) and I see the sadness on the face of my Lord. Somehow I always feel it in the way the eyes are shaped. A place with negative energy will never get a benevolent looking eye on the idol. It will bear this sad or angry look. 
                  I see the way the idols are immersed in the sea and irrespective of all the bio idols available, I know the next day the limbs of the idol will be floating around or worse be dismantled on the shores of the sea. Maybe things were same when I was younger but I m now beginning to see the reality. 
                  After the puja at our home, I visit a few of friends who have the idol at their homes and few select pandals close by. 
                  
                 The Ganesh puja at home is something which I would like to carry forward all my life. IT is in these small prayers that you find the Lord among you or maybe its in this way that you invoke the presence of the omnipotent to your sense :) 
                  Yes you don't need an idol. You just need a communication channel :D 

A goodbye?

Dear S,
Maybe you will never read this. I m still reaching out to you in search of my S who will look within and hear me. Those beautiful moments  in which I saw you, those years I prayed for us, all those memories that surround me, would they vanish just like that? You are angry or maybe you are just you, but the wall you have built is killing me..
 I tried and I tried really hard, I swear.
 I was never sure of what to do to be close to you as soon as possible. I tried liking physics and maths to get into engineering, but within few months I knew it was a lost case. I could never spend my life writing codes or revel in my work.
I got into a course that would finish in four years. During the course I realised that I could do much better with a MBA degree to go with it. It will only add to my prospects. That's all I wish. I don't want any fancy wedding, I don't want an exotic outing. I don't want a husband to provide for all my needs while I contend myself with the kitchen work and TV. I m not cut for that. I like to have my say too. I want to give my share too. To our home. To our respective families. To our future.
Till now I have agreed to all you say. Sometimes to keep peace. Sometimes because I trust you and sometimes because I love you more than the issue at hand. This one time please listen to me.

I might appear weak and a loser to you and all those who read this. You might wonder why am I pleading with you when its my life and I can totally decide what I want to do. If the choice at hand is to lose you, its as good as being dead. Maybe I already am.

It hurts. It hurts very very much.
To see this blog and read all those loving posts which drip with the love you once gave me.
To open the mail box and see no mails or offliners from you.
To see all those books on which I scribbled poems for you.
To see random couples walking in the rains
To not being tempted to see your photos.
To listen to the radio which plays songs which remind me of you.
To pass through the places that have memories of you
To see the gift left incomplete for you..
To dial your number and erase it all day.
To wipe the tears and act like everything is ok...
To call you up and hear its switched off..

I m aching.. Just aching.. Have I been so mistaken?  Will  I never find my S back? I m waiting.. Waiting all day and all night.. Just for a text or mail or a call.. One that will say that I m missed. One that will say I m special..

S, I love you. I love you very much.. Don't do this to me.. To us.. Just think of what all  you are ruining for a temporary arrangement. Think of me..

If you can promise and convince that I will be the one, I would have gone all the way.. I m scared.. Dead scared of what lies ahead..





P.S: Readers, if there is no reply within 24 hours for this mail, consider this blog closed. Sorry to leave you all midway. If my love will leave me, I see no reason to continue.. I won't  be capable of loving or believing in  love if this goes wrong. Blessed be people. Hold on to the one you love. There are enough love stories to keep the faith alive..

Rewinding the songs..

             There are some songs which become memories. Some songs become favorites because of their sheer brilliance and some songs are long cherished because of the memories they carry. While they are ignored at the moment, years later they still remain in that corner of the heart reminding you of a memory unsung.. There are songs which bring a nostalgic tear into my eyes, some which bring back the pains which have been buried deep, some which tingle me with the fun I once had, some which bring a smile with them and some which make me miss the times and people who shared that memory..
             
            Accha sila diya tune mere pyar ka-  I often don't remember the name of this singer. I had to google it today :P But there was one time when I was crazy about him. That time was 1996 when I was only 4 years old! Yes, he might have been my first favorite singer. Its hard to understand what a 4 year girl could connect to this song but this was my favorite song from his album. The singer is Attaullah Khan. Unheard of in today's times. My mama would play this album on his tape recorder. My masi fed me on a story about him (which, I later realised , is the story of the film). Because I had never seen who this man was, I even proclaimed that I will marry him one day :P
           I would throw a tantrum when mama wouldn't play the song. Once, when he was not home, I climbed on the edge of the bed to reach the tape recorder to play the song. As I inched forward , I lost my balance and fell down. In no time, my naani and maasi became hysterical. I was bleeding.. That brought a end to the craze of listening everyday but this song still brings back those memories.

        Dil leke haan- This song from Na tum jaano na hum has a very funny side to it. Me and a relative of mine (who by the way is 8 years older to me) would pass our time watching music videos in the day time during vacations. We two would dance on some steps with me often becoming the girl and she the guy. So one of those times, we emulated the exact steps of Esha and Hrithik. So perfect that we made sure everyone saw it. We danced to it every time it played on TV. We forced everyone to see it :P When anyone visited the house, they were made to sit and watch us dance :D :D crazy crazy times.. I would roll with laughter everytime I remember it !

        Aashiq banaya aapne: It was in the year 2005 when Himesh Reshammiya rocked the nation with this nasal  vocal chords. The "surooooooooooooor" fever and his hits from Ashiq banaya aapne gave the background music while my romance with S bloomed in the cyber cafe.
       I had put some of our pictures in my new phone and while I was checking out those pics I was listening to music. I don't what I pressed but because of that our picture used to get displayed each time I clicked to play this song :P :P No matter how much I changed the setting, it wouldn't go! I became the laughing stock of my group  until I had to revert back to factory setting :P

       Bahut pyar karte hai tumko sanam- The first song which I sang for S ;) Very very special for me..
   
       Mahiya- The first ever time I danced on stage to a self choreographed song that too in front of my parents and did all the nakhras and natak thinking as if only S is watching :P :P Maybe I wouldn't be able to do it in front of  S  :P

       These are only a few from such a large number of songs that have special memories :)
        Recent song to go to the list is Chinta ta ta chita chita :P :P  I used to get irritated with this song until something funny happened with S :P
        Last week I got a little irritated with him over something and switched over to the radio. I swear every single radio station was playing this Chinta ta ta at the same time (different paragraphs though) !! I couldn't stop giggling :P
     
     

       

     

      

Rainy memories..

                 Its been a lazy summer which extended well till the end of June. The sweltering heat was yet to give any respite. All my dreams of sleeping late in the rainy mornings (while the school kids go to school ) was down the drains as afternoon workouts became unbearable and I had to drag my lazy self to exercise in the mornings.
                 And then one morning, I struggled to open my eyelids even as the mobile blared at full volume to wake me up. Aha! Perfect morning. The large French windows tried to keep steady as the strong winds pushed it. The water knocked gently at first and then vehemently as if trying to garner the attention of the blessed owner still sleeping (read me). After deciding to give the morning class a miss I allowed myself the luxury of sleep past 7.
                 A rainy day, a perfectly jobless me, ginger tea and memories come flooding by...

               The earliest memories that I have of rainy days are those from my childhood (quite obvious :P)
 
              I remember not being able to go out to play in rainy days. My friends used to sail paper boats in the rain water which used to accumulate in front of our houses. Being the delicate one, I was never allowed to do that much.
              The umbrellas used to kept open under the fan to dry and sometimes clothes over it too.. This became like a tent for me to venture into.. I would sit under the umbrellas and be lost in  my world. This was like my own home within a home and I would practically be living in it.
              Once some of my friends found me playing and were irresistably drawn into the game and since then bye-bye paper boats and playing in rains, umbrella  house it is!

               One of the rainy memories which keep coming to me is about a certain best friend I once had. We used to go to the same dance class which would leave at 8.30. Usually we both would come back together. I was about 10 then and she about 12. IT was raining hard that night. We had only one umbrella between the two of us. 

              The class left and we both decided to take the long cut back home :P The main road was already flooded and there were only a few people on the road. The narrow streets wore a deserted look. Unknown to the dangers of that night, we merrily tread through the waters. To top it, we kept singing all the way home. I still remember the song that we so loudly sang, "Mere khuda mujhe itna bata kya aisa bhi hota hai pyaar" by Lucky Ali ! 

              Sharing an umbrella in such rains or coming home drenched made no difference. We were soaked as it is by the time we reached my home.. to see it locked ! My Mom had gone searching for me with an umbrella. It dawned on us that while we were happily spluttering around in the waters, our parents were frantically looking for us. The long cut was definitely not thought of by both the parental units :D 

              We got lucky and didn't get scolded though! It still remains a very happy memory of a very carefree time I once had..

           The recent addition to the rainy memories was with S in Goa. We decided to go to the beach early morning. It was cloudy but we did not carry umbrella as  we were going to get drenched in the waters anyway. 

          We walked halfway to the beach and it started raining. S insisted we keep moving but I thought it would stop in sometime and we took shelter under a roof of a shop. The shops were not open and the road all lonely. We kept waiting for the rains to stop but they wont! 

      S-   "I told you we should keep walking, we would have reached the beach by now"

      Me- Ok, so lets start walking now. What difference does it make?

      S- Shall we start?

      Me- Yeah chalo!

      4 second silence

      S- Nahi sardi ho jayegi tumhe :P 

          And so we waited some more. I consistently prayed to the rain God to please stop now but Rain God was in no mood to answer my prayer that day. After some more time waiting, we decided to walk to the beach. It was a good idea until my shorts got too heavy with all the water they soaked and the Tshirt started clinging to my body :P I again stood under a roof. S was too cold and shivering! I stood there hugging myself and later hugging him. The rain finally had some mercy and started slowing down a bit and we quickly made way into the beach waters. 

         The sea water was surprisingly warm and we sat there for a long time with S trying to go more into the waters while I sat close to the shores. He tried to pull me into the waters but I was petrified of venturing more. He assured me that he would hold me but when a  wave came to hit me and I lost balance he pulled me by my leg :P :P That's all that needed to sway me into the waters and him to realise that water really wants me :P :P 

          Out of the water and into the cold streets again! This time we held on close as we walked. Though the rains had mellowed down , the winds kept blowing harshly. 

          S had wrapped some money and my mobile phone in a plastic and given it to me. I had kept that in my shorts pockets and when we retrieved it back... the  mobile had stopped working. Thank God it was just a temporary old phone I was carrying!

          The next few minutes, I kept frantically trying to make it work and S kept asking me to dry myself or else I will catch cold.. The phone wouldn't work and I relented to S ... Thankfully all went well even though I was phoneless for the next 2 days :D 

                                                 

         That day it kept raining on and off.. When S was leaving, we walked under the same umbrella and I thought, "This has to be the best monsoon.." I kept staring at him and he kept asking "What?" and all I said was "Nothing." I was freezing every second of that walk in my memory. Every detail of his face, every movement of his muscles which I felt as we kept walking, every chill that passed into me when the winds suddenly blew strong and every expression that he gave as I held him closer when it chilled.. 

                                                           

                                 Happy monsoon readers! What's your favorite monsoon memory??