Monday, 9 April 2012

Love yourself!

               There are just too many issues on my head right now. At times I feel my brain is going to burst and every little thought that is pounding my nerves will jump out. I slept every night wishing that the next day would be brighter. I woke up every morning feeling happy that I have made through another day and anxious about losing another day. Strange!
               I spoke less and thought more. Thought about every damn thing that ever happened to me. About friendships gone sour, about the back biting, about the expectations I couldn't live upto, about the way I hurt myself and about that ghastly face I saw in the mirror everyday. Something was wrong. This wasn't my life.
               I spent hours in front of the laptop screen. Waiting for that idea to translate into words so that I can write something. I felt robbed of the only thing that relieves me. Words failed me. I wondered if really some "buri nazar" was on me.
               I felt myself fuming with rage. A latent lava of emotions waiting to erupt. I walked till I could no longer think. I wondered on whom I was so angry. Was it the sudden change of plans my friends did without consulting me? Was it because another friend was too busy to respond to my text? Was it because Dad said something I didn't like? Was it because S was behaving difficult? Was it because bro wasn't studying like I wanted him to even though I drained my energy trying to make him understand the concepts? Was it because Mom kept telling me what to do even though I did it perfectly well? Were these reasons big enough to justify what I was feeling?
               Why did I just did not have the "mood" to open my books? Why did I no longer feel the need to watch any movie? Why do I not feel any excitement to go to Manali where all my friends were going? I was losing something.. Was I going into that abyss called depression?
                Somewhere along the lane, I had stopped loving myself. I m that kind of a person who needs assurance once in a while. Someone to say "you did well" when I lose, someone to say "You can do it" when I m low. I feel sidelined and ignored easily. Someone told me that these are traits you pick up in your childhood. Maybe yes. With both parents working and me being in care of my grandparents I always looked for approval. And in absence of it,  I somehow spiraled down. I lost control of my life. I lose control of my feelings.
               I read somewhere in someone's status message, "There cums a tym wen u hve 2 b u'r own hero.....Becz sumtymz,d ppl u cn't live widout,cn live widout u"
               I feel that is what I need to do now. After reading endless google articles, all I gather is they have a single message "Love yourself and be happy." 
                    How do I start loving myself? 
                   I realise pampering myself to Monginis pastry and Mac Donald's walnut brownie is not loving myself. 
                  First things first - I have to deal with the health issues. This requires patience and a lot of discipline. With regular work out and a planned schedule! 
                  The piles of notes have to sorted and studied. With less than a month left for exams, priorities have to be decided. 
                  I need to be more patient with S and give our relation the time it needs right now. 
                  I have to deal with the hurt egos and make up with some people. 
                  I need to do what I love more often. I have already started writing here and I m cooking more often :)
                  I need to catch up more on my sleep. Just put on that face pack and roam all about the house giving mini heart attacks to people around :P 
P.S : Sorry people for not replying to comments on the last post. As you see I was not feeling ok to do that..
P.P.S : Sujatha you were right.  There were layers to the post. I did not myself clearly know what I was writing :D


Alcina said...

Well I can completely match up to your situation right now.Feeling damn disgusted and i have never been able to do that you know loving myself it seems a big thing to do.
When you talked about both the parents working and in care of grandparents i instantly had the flash of myself and till you wrote i also didn't know that i need approval once in a while.It helps in a way.
The most frustrating these days to me is that i text someone and they keep me waiting and when they get back they don't even answer the previous ones like we just started talking.And yes i am at loss of words too but yesterday out of rage was finally able to pen down something otherwise all what i started converted into drafts to be looked at later.
I have exams this month which at this stage of life are damn important my mind wont sit quite and concentrate and just drop back into thoughts(which are damn annoying).
I hope you achieve the task of loving yourself like you have written..Best wishes!
Take care..

Nivedita Upamanyu said...

i guess... each one of us.. at some or the other point of time.. goes thru this kinda stuff.. its frustrating n depressing.. and u r very right wen u said that we do need someone to pat our back n say "good job done.. keep it up".. n sometimes that sombody is no one else but we, ourselves!! loving your ownself will not only give u the inner satisfaction but will also act as a magnet to attract external love n care from others around u.. n wen u love ur ownself,, therez one good thing for sure- there is atleast one person who is completely n unconditionally in love with you.. "YOU" <3.. stay blessed.. stay loved.. n stay happy :)

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