Sunday, 1 April 2012


                 I was a strong individual to begin with. I still am in certain matters. I have my own set of ideas and experiences which have molded me this way. Each one of us has it. Some retain it forever and some change without even knowing. I fall into the latter category.
                 When I think back and look at my life in the last 5-6 years, I cannot recognise myself. It is easier for me to look back because I have each of my thoughts captured in my diary. The change has been monumental.
                 Some years back I had someone in my life who was my alter ego. Who knew my thoughts better than me. Who accepted my dark side with as much grace as my bright. I had someone I could talk without holding back anything, fully knowing that I m accepted. She was my best friend. The one who adored me. Who idolized me for the good in me and who lashed at me for my weakness but never turned away from me. And then one day she just came to me and told me she no longer wanted to be my friend. In the 7 years of my friendship with her, we were inseparable. Talking almost everyday. I knew every little detail of her life, her ambitions, her dreams, her faults and her guilts.
                 She told me she couldn't keep up with me. She couldn't call me as often as I called her (we stayed very close by but a year after me moving places she told me this) and there was no way we could be friends. It was a rude shock for me. I cried, I begged her to tell me what the matter was. Without even knowing my fault, I kept apologizing and promising that I will do as she wishes but she stayed unmoved. She left a huge dark spot called "best friend" in my life.
                She killed something in me. She changed me. I m scared of being too close to friends. I keep up with the dates they ask me to meet, I never miss wishing anyone on their birthday, I extend my help whenever they want. But beyond that- I keep away. Ironically, whenever I came close to trusting people to be there for me they have proved otherwise. Maybe at that particular time they were preoccupied, but still..
               S came into my life at a time I was too burdened with expectations. He showered me with lot of attention and tenderness. From a girl looking at everyone with suspicion I became someone trusting. From someone who thought all the time about success, I started looking at the personal joys. From someone who believed people should stay as long as they are happy, I became someone who waited for bad times to tide over.
               Always a late night person, I started sleeping early. When I say that I sleep by 11 my friends tease me "Ye pehli insaan hai jo pyaar honeke baad jaldi sone lagi hai".
               Someone close to me told me "S is the only person who can change your mood in seconds.. No one has ever been able to do that."
              This coming from someone who knows me for a long time! Yes I have changed. For better or for worse I don't know. I like it or not I don't know.
              If everything changes, then why don't my feelings change? I wonder why the rule doesn't apply here.
Why can't I let go of things easily still? Why can't I  not bother about people who move on in life? Why does my heart rule over my mind ?
             Some people say that they would like to have their old selves back. I don't know if I want to be like I was 4-5 years back. I don't know if I was good then or bad now!!
            All I know is I want to be me.. just for the sake of sanity, I want to do as I wish. id ego is what they call it in psychology. My id ego is almost dead. Between what is expected of me and what is imposed on me, I have lost "Me".
            Its time to change and the change begins from me. I need to find me..


Jen..The Butterfly Effect said...

Hey! You know the time to find yourself is when you are with a person with whom you can be yourself, perfectly!! And with whom you don't have to change one bit! Believe me,that is when you'll find yourself!! :)

Choose the right one for life,sweetheart! :)

Alcina said...

Changes are a part of life and as they say it is the only constant thing :)
I hate them i mean unconsciously but literally i have also inherited some changes without my knowledge of them already taking place.Friends and love they all like occupy the best positions in our life.I have noticed this a lot whether you have a best friend trying to make you happy but the only one person that can cheer you up and make you sad in one moment is the one you love.
Everything will fall into place as long as you be with 'S' and maybe look at it the me has grown to us with you and S :)
We cannot resist changes so lets modify and embrace it with the hope of becoming better than earlier(every way)

Hope you and s are doing great!

Sujatha Sathya said...

its like of all the things said here there's a lot of it still unsaid...still in your heart and mind...many layers to a single post

Razi said...

I guess time changes everyone. And I don't think there's anyone out there who can static all his life. You have changed, but hey, you have learned, right? And matured. Give it time. You will be ok and happy with what's "ME."

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