The Last Goodbye

               There is a ritual that I and S diligently follow: Never to leave each other without a goodbye hug and kiss.

               Back in December 2014, when I moved to Bangalore, I did not know a single soul here apart from S. The very next day after we came to Bangalore, S left for work leaving me all alone at home. I clung to him for a long time before he left and he gently kissed me goodbye. It was then that we set this ritual into motion.
 
              A lot has changed in the years that followed. But each morning when I leave for work, I hug S like its going to be the last time. In the evening when he rings the bell, I get the door and jump at him, relieved at uniting again. It might seem like a paranoia, but for me each goodbye is a last goodbye.

             On days when I am cross with S and leave without hugging him, I feel anxious the whole day. I call it the Molly syndrome (Harry Potter fans!!); what if the words I said and the way I reacted were the last ones! Its a deeply rooted fear. When I was a kid and threw tantrums before mom left for work, she would often tell me "Life is uncertain. Anything can happen anytime. Imagine if  I go to office in this tension and a train runs over me. Or there is a blast and I die in it. Do you want this to be the last thing you said to me?" Yea, my mom is a master manipulator!

            It has stayed with me. Perhaps helped me see things in a different perspective when I am overwhelmed with anger. You can fight, scream or sulk the whole day at home. But when someone leaves home, make sure you hug them tight and say goodbye with a smile. After all, no one knows which one is the last goodbye! And you can never hug a memory..

                                         

P.S: @littlethingsinloveblog is now on instagram. Follow me there for tidbits about our life and little things in love :)

                                                         

A precious gift

AUG 25, 2017

We were in Mangalore for Ganesh Chaturthi. This was the first time I was at my in-laws for this festival.For the 2 years of marriage, I had celebrated the festival exactly like how I used to celebrate in Mumbai (Read post here).

The festival was celebrated quite differently in S's family. Their's is a huge family which once lived together. During festivals, there are more than 40 people in the house and other relatives included, the crowd could go upto 100. Yes, real numbers. So the entire family got together. The women cooked, the men set about to decorate the tulsi (holy basil) plant. I, as usual, watched. What they cook and how they cook for festivities is very different and I am scared that I might ruin something. So apart from lending a hand for very basic stuff, I stay away. 

I was talking to younger relatives of S when one of them showed me his new phone. One plus 5. I totally loved the camera quality. He went about clicking photos of all of us. S and some of his cousins were busy working with sugarcane sticks. One of his cousins remarked to S, "You might have to buy her a new phone!"

All of them laughed.

"Will give" S said calmly, smiling.

Although I knew he did not mean it back then, I was happy. 

It was mutual understanding that I would never get a 33 K worth phone because I was not worthy of one. I have a history of breaking my phones (accidentally dropping) and I feel guilty and tensed if the phone is anything above 15 K. 

So I forgot all about the phone.

SEP-2017

My Redmi phone wouldn't charge. No matter what I tried, it didn't. S gave it for repair but the phone was still charging very slowly. He told me look online for another one. I asked him, "How about One plus 5?"

He replied that there was no chance I would get that.

While my phone continued having issues, I was using an older phone of mine. I had almost uninstalled all the apps from that phone and was having a tough time dealing with that phone. I started looking for new phones.

I worked that Saturday for business reasons and was very irritated. I just wanted to go somewhere out. 

Saturday night I asked S if we could go out the next day. He said, "No, someone might come".

I was so pissed off I might have bit him if I could.

"I am so exhausted this week and who have you invited!" I yelled angrily and went to bed.

He came beside  me and said, "I did not want to tell you this, but if we go out tomorrow, your phone might not be delivered."

"Which phone" I asked.

He showed me the message. It was OnePlus 5!!!!! Yeaaaaay!!  The unimaginable! I hugged him tight. I beamed happily.

S had purchased the phone in Amazon's exchange offer. He had put up his old phone for exchange and opted for an installment plan. Back then, we had a few financial commitments so this offer was great!

Sunday evening, the much awaited delivery boy came. When S gave his old phone for return, it turned out he had by mistake written the model name wrong. It was just an alphabet that was wrong but the entire model changed based on that! Even though the offer remained the same, he couldn't do the delivery unless the correct name was placed on the order. He couldn't cancel the order and place a new one and receive this order instead. A new order would be processed separately. So the delivery guy went without delivering the phone. 

I was disappointed. But, S was heartbroken.

He went to our room and lied face down. I swear, I hadn't felt so much love for him till that point. Not even for a minute did I think of that phone, the greatest gift I could have was right in front of me. I tried to console him but he was still feeling bad about me not getting the phone that day because I had been happy and smiling all day thinking of it. How stupid of him! I was happy and smiling all day thinking of him, surprising me with the phone!

Finally when he had sulked enough, we placed the order again and this time exchanged my old phone. We got better price and better offer! 

Even though September was birthday month of S, I ended up getting very precious gift. No, it was not just the phone.

3 years and some months later

19-APR-2018

There is a reason to add the date for this post (I will come to that later).

It was just another day of our routine lives. Except for the fact that we were having a hard week.

The previous day, I woke up with pain in my left arm. It was a dull ache that started somewhere at the base of my neck, then shifted to my collar bones and I could feel the pain in bursts all over my arm. THIS WAS THE LEFT ARM. For the uninitiated, it signifies a heart problem. So I did the most expected thing to do, I went to the kitchen and got my meals ready (yea I am into the small meals thing) for the day and put on the geyser. The show must go on.

I told S while I was getting ready that I might end up in a heart attack. Knowing my tendency to over exaggerate my condition, he did not reply to it. I was expecting a comeback when I saw that he was really not well. He was having slight fever and what looked like beginning of a bad cold. I was all set to take the day off but the workaholic S was going to go to office! There was no way I can convince him not to (3 years experience). He asked me to rest if the pain was bad but I thought I rather go to work and he dropped me to my cab pick-up point (because I was again running late).

I managed the day with unease when I could  have simply called in sick. That evening I got home later than usual due to traffic. I messaged S to get something on the way for dinner. We had an early dinner and went to sleep without much talk.

At 2.30 am I woke up with a cry. I had lifted my hand in sleep and had a sharp pain originating from the shoulder blades. I woke up S and he calmed me down, applying moov to the area (ad films for moov have real life examples). He again asked me to not go, but the next day I had important meetings where I had quite a few points to discuss.

On 20th morning, S dropped me to my cab point worriedly. Through the day the pain was still there. S kept messaging me asking me the situation. After completing the meetings and getting some of my regular job done, I finally left for home.

In the cab, I got a video call from S. Very unusual. I thought he dialled by mistake and disconnected it. He then made a voice call. 

"What happened?" I asked.

"Nothing, I was listening to something and it reminded me of you" he said.

"What?"

"Listen no"

In the background there was some music. Then it got louder

"Ban ja tu meri rani

Tenu mahal dawa dunga
Ban meri mehbooba
Main tenu Taj pawa dunga"

I was blushing uncontrollably. The same kind of blush that I always got when he called me during our long distance relationship.

3 years and some months after marriage, this man still makes me blush like an idiot while others in the cab wonder what's up with me.

When I got down from the cab that evening, he was at my drop point to pick me. Miraculously, the pain was no more there.

Coming back to why I started the post with the date. I believe that moments like yesterday are a gift that must be cherished. But, we do not always remember those beautiful moments and end up being bitter about what we are dealing with in the present. This is my way of keeping those moments alive, long after they have ceased to be. I want to go back and relive this feeling. Like I always do with the old posts on this blog or on Instagram. It reminded me of why I had created this blog in the first place. 

In the past I have made promises of coming back to writing here. But, this time I have a purpose. As long as life blesses me with memories, I shall keep them alive here.

P.S: I had a few comments on the last post. I am quite amazed that this blog is still being read by you all. Thank you for the love. I am truly blessed.

P.P.S: Even though the pain is gone, I had a terrible headache and fever today morning. I really needed to take it slow and took a sick leave today. Much better now!