PDA?

                     Public displays of affection (PDA or PDOA) are acts of physical intimacy in the view of others. via Wikipedia :D  But we, in general, call a lot more things as "PDA". 

               Of late, my facebook page is crowded with such PDA. What do you call "Babbbby I love you :* :*" ??? Isn't that virtual kissing on social networking?? So I can safely call that PDA right? 

               I m no one to condemn PDA. Heck I even find some of it cute. Provided it is genuine affection. "Genuine" being the keyword. 

                Now we have quite evolved from the times when couple holding hands or kissing was gawked at. Agreed there is serious dearth of privacy. But that does not mean that you force me to see how deep  your love is ! 

               I know of this couple who take along their friends on most outings ( serious exhibition disorder) and for those who don't go with them- they put on ample pictures on fb. The moment you like or comment on any of those pics you are flooded with notifications which have nothing to do with what you wrote. They start their mutual admiration there and you get bugged with those red notifications which only include "Awwww" ":* :*" "<3 <3 <3" Real case!

                                                                   

                Then there is the kind of PDA which you are compelled to witness because there is no choice! Like you are scribbling your notes from the reference book in the library and there is this couple leaning on each other (well almost) and smiling at each other while the librarian is engrossed in his newspaper. 

               There are so many friends of mine on facebook who go into this "I-m-so-madly-in-love-and-I-will-let-the-whole-world-know" mode too seriously. Then there are photo updates clicked by their beloved every hour, followed by commenting and liking each other's comment. They will come online as "invisible" and manage to make themselves visible to everyone with their updates! 

               They will write on each other's walls things that could be better said by texting or that inbox thing on facebook. All this while if you are the fool who commented on anything, then your harassment will not be considered.

               I have this classmate of mine who is in a relationship with our senior. While she is outgoing and wears her relationship on her sleeve, he is a bit of an introvert. Her gmail status gives the update of her relationship as "17 months" right now :D Seriously?? What record are we creating by the way? If you have seen her only once, then too you will be given an eyeful of her status. Eyeful because she makes sure everybody sees who she is dating. The funny deal about this is that I have seen her behave with her armcandy when no one's watching. Not so pleasing to watch a girl clicking her fingers and asking him to "watch my bags" :P 

                    

                    The biggest PDA which I have to bear is while travelling in train! Believe it or not, just while you will get a comfortable seat to rest your behind and would be on the verge of taking that nap, you will get that girl who will chuckle and giggle and talk loud enough to know how rocking her romantic life is! 

                    On my way to college I manage to get a window seat. Still 25 minutes to be spent in train and I close my eyes.

                   "Nahi shona tum apna jacket yehi bhool gaye"

                   I open my eyes in amazement of the pitch in which this was said. The aunties gossiping about their mom-in-laws are not listening in rapt attention to this.

                   "Jacket bhi chhod gaye aur mujhe bhi yahi chhod gaye."

                  I almost laughed at the way she was baby talking. I bent a little to see who this was and surprise surprise. It was not a teenaged lovestruck girl. It was a women well into her late 20s atleast. Typical office going class. Now this was what the aunties were so amused and didn't give that "kids these days" kind of expression :D :D 

                   I gathered that her guy was out of town and probably out to book his tickets back home. This lady here decided to act even more childish.

                  "Tum mera phone cut kiye bina hi ticket book karo."

                  The poor fellow, I think, was convincing her to keep the phone so that he could talk to someone at the counter. :P 

                  "Mujhe nahi pata, mera phone kaate bina karo jo karna hai " 

                   this sounded almost like, "mujhe nahi pata, mela phone kaate bina kalo jo kalna hai" :D :D Baby talk you see :D 

                 Andd the latest addition to this list is a female from my yoga class. While we exert and pant to get it right, this female checks her phone! And anytime in that one hour, she will get a call from her other half. If she is energetic enough to walk out and talk then bless us, but if she is too lazy she will sit back and chat while we do the breathing exercises ! And then we know her boyfriend is very tired after work, what he is going to eat, when he is going to sleep etc etc. 

                 

                REcently someone told me, "You know your blog is comparatively lot less mushy than what other love blogs are" :P 

                To which I said, "I write less mush coz there's not much mush in my life, courtesy the virgo other half" :P 

                I accept that blog too is a PDA but unlike these real life situations, you atleast have a choice :P 

P.S : Sorry people I have been very bad and not commented back on any of your comments. I will reply back hence forth pakka promise :D

P.P.S: Thank you Alcina  for your mail and asking me to come back :D 

Love yourself!

               There are just too many issues on my head right now. At times I feel my brain is going to burst and every little thought that is pounding my nerves will jump out. I slept every night wishing that the next day would be brighter. I woke up every morning feeling happy that I have made through another day and anxious about losing another day. Strange!
               I spoke less and thought more. Thought about every damn thing that ever happened to me. About friendships gone sour, about the back biting, about the expectations I couldn't live upto, about the way I hurt myself and about that ghastly face I saw in the mirror everyday. Something was wrong. This wasn't my life.
               I spent hours in front of the laptop screen. Waiting for that idea to translate into words so that I can write something. I felt robbed of the only thing that relieves me. Words failed me. I wondered if really some "buri nazar" was on me.
               I felt myself fuming with rage. A latent lava of emotions waiting to erupt. I walked till I could no longer think. I wondered on whom I was so angry. Was it the sudden change of plans my friends did without consulting me? Was it because another friend was too busy to respond to my text? Was it because Dad said something I didn't like? Was it because S was behaving difficult? Was it because bro wasn't studying like I wanted him to even though I drained my energy trying to make him understand the concepts? Was it because Mom kept telling me what to do even though I did it perfectly well? Were these reasons big enough to justify what I was feeling?
               Why did I just did not have the "mood" to open my books? Why did I no longer feel the need to watch any movie? Why do I not feel any excitement to go to Manali where all my friends were going? I was losing something.. Was I going into that abyss called depression?
                Somewhere along the lane, I had stopped loving myself. I m that kind of a person who needs assurance once in a while. Someone to say "you did well" when I lose, someone to say "You can do it" when I m low. I feel sidelined and ignored easily. Someone told me that these are traits you pick up in your childhood. Maybe yes. With both parents working and me being in care of my grandparents I always looked for approval. And in absence of it,  I somehow spiraled down. I lost control of my life. I lose control of my feelings.
               I read somewhere in someone's status message, "There cums a tym wen u hve 2 b u'r own hero.....Becz sumtymz,d ppl u cn't live widout,cn live widout u"
                 
               I feel that is what I need to do now. After reading endless google articles, all I gather is they have a single message "Love yourself and be happy." 
                    How do I start loving myself? 
                   I realise pampering myself to Monginis pastry and Mac Donald's walnut brownie is not loving myself. 
                  First things first - I have to deal with the health issues. This requires patience and a lot of discipline. With regular work out and a planned schedule! 
                  The piles of notes have to sorted and studied. With less than a month left for exams, priorities have to be decided. 
                  I need to be more patient with S and give our relation the time it needs right now. 
                  I have to deal with the hurt egos and make up with some people. 
                  I need to do what I love more often. I have already started writing here and I m cooking more often :)
                  I need to catch up more on my sleep. Just put on that face pack and roam all about the house giving mini heart attacks to people around :P 
                                                                               
P.S : Sorry people for not replying to comments on the last post. As you see I was not feeling ok to do that..
P.P.S : Sujatha you were right.  There were layers to the post. I did not myself clearly know what I was writing :D

               

Change..

                 I was a strong individual to begin with. I still am in certain matters. I have my own set of ideas and experiences which have molded me this way. Each one of us has it. Some retain it forever and some change without even knowing. I fall into the latter category.
                 When I think back and look at my life in the last 5-6 years, I cannot recognise myself. It is easier for me to look back because I have each of my thoughts captured in my diary. The change has been monumental.
                 Some years back I had someone in my life who was my alter ego. Who knew my thoughts better than me. Who accepted my dark side with as much grace as my bright. I had someone I could talk without holding back anything, fully knowing that I m accepted. She was my best friend. The one who adored me. Who idolized me for the good in me and who lashed at me for my weakness but never turned away from me. And then one day she just came to me and told me she no longer wanted to be my friend. In the 7 years of my friendship with her, we were inseparable. Talking almost everyday. I knew every little detail of her life, her ambitions, her dreams, her faults and her guilts.
                 She told me she couldn't keep up with me. She couldn't call me as often as I called her (we stayed very close by but a year after me moving places she told me this) and there was no way we could be friends. It was a rude shock for me. I cried, I begged her to tell me what the matter was. Without even knowing my fault, I kept apologizing and promising that I will do as she wishes but she stayed unmoved. She left a huge dark spot called "best friend" in my life.
                She killed something in me. She changed me. I m scared of being too close to friends. I keep up with the dates they ask me to meet, I never miss wishing anyone on their birthday, I extend my help whenever they want. But beyond that- I keep away. Ironically, whenever I came close to trusting people to be there for me they have proved otherwise. Maybe at that particular time they were preoccupied, but still..
               
               S came into my life at a time I was too burdened with expectations. He showered me with lot of attention and tenderness. From a girl looking at everyone with suspicion I became someone trusting. From someone who thought all the time about success, I started looking at the personal joys. From someone who believed people should stay as long as they are happy, I became someone who waited for bad times to tide over.
               Always a late night person, I started sleeping early. When I say that I sleep by 11 my friends tease me "Ye pehli insaan hai jo pyaar honeke baad jaldi sone lagi hai".
               Someone close to me told me "S is the only person who can change your mood in seconds.. No one has ever been able to do that."
              This coming from someone who knows me for a long time! Yes I have changed. For better or for worse I don't know. I like it or not I don't know.
              If everything changes, then why don't my feelings change? I wonder why the rule doesn't apply here.
Why can't I let go of things easily still? Why can't I  not bother about people who move on in life? Why does my heart rule over my mind ?
             Some people say that they would like to have their old selves back. I don't know if I want to be like I was 4-5 years back. I don't know if I was good then or bad now!!
            All I know is I want to be me.. just for the sake of sanity, I want to do as I wish. id ego is what they call it in psychology. My id ego is almost dead. Between what is expected of me and what is imposed on me, I have lost "Me".
            Its time to change and the change begins from me. I need to find me..

Dreams

                          If there had been one thing about me that I would have liked to change then it would have been my dreams. No, not the ones that I see with open eyes ;). 

                          The clarity of my dreams never ceased to amaze me. It has this almost life like quality to it. Nothing seems blurred or hazy like they show in dream sequences. Its as real as it could get to the point that I sometimes have to wonder if I saw a dream or was it real occurence.

                          On the brighter side, I have had some experiences for which I long in my real life. Its been months since I met S, but every now and then I get a dream so clear about him where I actually feel him close. Just because the memory of his touch, of his presence is so fresh in my mind. I can't thank my subconcious enough for playing it in my dreams! 

                          

                         I rarely share my dreams with anyone because they seem so ridiculous and end up becoming the butt of jokes. Just because I m so overwhelmed with the experience, I sometimes need to share it with someone. It backfires on me sometimes though.

                         

I came early from college one day and I was so exhausted that I went for an afternoon nap (which I rarely do). I saw myself going into the kitchen and I realised that the gas stove was on. I tried to put it off when suddenly the next stove started to burn. I panicked, not realising what to do. 

The same evening I recounted the whole dream to my mother. She told me "Call the neighbors if something like that ever happens". 

The very next day the gas cylinder got over. I wasn't at home but when I returned my father asked me, "Did you really forget to put the stove off before you went to sleep? How come the gas got over in just 15 days?" 

My mom was actually confused because of how accurately remembered my dream that she thought it actually happened and told it to Dad! Never again I m telling her my dreams!

I was very angry at her and told her that I had no business in the kitchen that day so there arised no doubt that I didn't put on the stove . Maybe she believed it later when I pointed out the various ways in which the gas was getting wasted! 

               Its funny how minute details of day to day life manifest themselves in my dreams like a whole new picture!

              Something related to gold coins fell on my ear last week. I had not even paid much attention to the story. Later S told me how his machine parts looked like bullets and how it kept getting scanned. 

              Later that night I saw a dream in which me and S were shopping. He was buying gold coin and asking for a shop selling bullets!!! I cannot put down my reaction to that. 

              When I told him about it, he laughed and me and said, "Maybe I was buying bullets to kill you. You might have been demanding for gold coins from me! You saw future ka dream maybe" :D

                                              

               

             It goes on the point when we don't have anything to say and he asks "Aur koi sapna dekha tumne?" and suddenly we have a topic to talk! 

                  

            Why would I want to change having these dreams? Because they are equally real when its a bad dream. Tormenting, mentally disturbing and stays on in my memory. I don't watch horror movies for the same reason. They come back to me associated with the people I love. 

            I become unusually clingy to S and keep checking on him. If he is busy and delays calling, I m a wreck. 

           Even if I keep telling myself not to be so annoying and get so paranoid, I can't help thinking about it. 

        

           Last night was a bad night. In the morning , when I called S, he told me he was busy. When it crossed more hours than usual the bad thoughts started. I busied myself cleaning up my room and doing the laundry but kept checking the phone all the time. Numerous times I thought the phone is ringing only to find that its the song playing in the neighborhood! 

           At last in the evening I texted him that I was worried and only when he called back, I could heave a sigh of relief. 

           If only I could delete the bad dreams!! 

You and me..

        Simple joys of love
        I know because of you
        Pearls of precious time are
        between you and me..


        From seedling I have grown with you
        That plant of loyal devotion
        is between you and me..
        
        You don't have to think if I need you
        I need you more than life
        That delicate surrender of my life
        is between you and me..

                                  
image from Here

Don't let her go..

 Found this on facebook and thought of sharing it.

When a girl WALKS for miles to see you.


When a girl SAYS SORRY even though she didn't do anything.


When a girl CRIES because  she still loves/misses u.

When a girl still TRIES TO GET YOU BACK.

When a girl ,no matter how much YOU HURT HER, STILL LOVES YOU.

when a girl STOPS her argument with her guy to SAvE her relationship.

When a girl continously MAKES YOU FEEL SPECIAL and TRIES TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

When a girl is upset but DOES NOT tell you as she thinks she is ANNOYING YOU.

When a girl wants to LEAVE u because  of your RUDE BEHAVIOUR but she is not able to do so.

DO NOT LET HER GO

 because YOU MAY NEVER FIND SOMEONE LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN. ♥ 

SHE MAYBE VERY SPECIAL AND GOD'S GIFT FOR YOU

FROM here

Makes me wonder if it really is love or are we expected to always make adjustments and put up with pain? 

Chup Chupke (continued)

    continued from Here 

       I walked into the subway with no option but to text him myself. By this time I was going mad with anger or frustration! Nevertheless I kept walking and stole a few minutes to text him to tell that I was going on another platform.

                 He replied back that he just entered the station. 

                 We were walking towards the AC lounge room when I receive a text again. "If you are on the front side of train number xyz give one missed call and if you are on the behind give 2 missed calls".

                 From where I was, I couldn't even see this train XYZ. What was I supposed to do? So I texted him again that I was going to the lounge room.

                 Now this lounge room is all closed and you can't see anyone from the other side. No sooner did I settle down in the lounge than it was thought by all of going to eat in the neighboring restaurant on the station. Since we had less than an hour to eat the next door restaurant was deemed appropriate. Leaving aside 2-3 members (to look over the luggage) the rest of us were rushed into the restaurant. Right at that time I get a text " I m outside the lounge". So again I had to text him that I m in the restaurant!! Uff!! I had not yet seen a glimpse of him..

                  The restaurant was like a small canteen with tables randomly scattered and places occupied. So our whole group got distributed around. While my parents occupied the table diagonally behind mine ( I was with my brother), the rest of them were sitting all about the place.  A middle aged man was sitting in front of me too occupied with his large thaali.

                  Right then S texted me that he wouldn't come in as the restaurant is too small ( S were you serious when you said "me choti  moti jaga pe nahi khata??", I seriously wondered this!) and he would wait outside. My dad was busy placing the order so I could quickly give S a call and asked him to come inside and have something too. The man sitting opposite me gave me a look and then got busy with food. 

                  I looked around ( I couldn't see the entrance from where I was sitting) and then I saw S walking towards the counter and my heart went on to do a mini jig. Yes!! Finally I saw him!

                  He was standing right next to my Dad and that was enough to get me nervous. I kept looking at the counter even though my thaali was served. The man sitting opposite to me was done and I texted S to look behind and just come and sit there. But he did not see his cellphone. As soon as he got his plate he turned and I pointed out to the seat in front of me with the enthusiasm of a small kid. My brother got shocked at this daredevilry of mine. As S settled down on the seat I couldn't take my eyes off him. He looked at me and gave a quick smile. 

                  My brother whispered to me, "Are you crazy? Dad is here!! What if he sees him?" 

                  I was just too happy to worry about it right then, "Don't worry Dad won't know!" I said.

   So we had this very filmy type of a lunch where I kept stealing glances at him and kept blushing.  The food was bland and with great difficulty I was swallowing it because it was the reason I could see him. I couldn't stop  myself from smiling and looked away when my Dad saw me! 

                  I almost thought "I m dead" when he came to my table and asked me what happened! I told him that I was looking for spoon. Thank God for those Southern restaurants which didn't serve spoons with meals. Dad asked for spoon and got me a spoon and then went back to his table. Hush!

                 But this made S all the more anxious I feel and he hurried up his eating. I couldn't keep up with him and neither did I like that food. So when he went to wash his hands, I left the rest of the food and went after him, inviting a raised eyebrow from my brother. 

                 When I entered into that handwash area I tried hugging him and he pushed me! I had something written for him on a paper which I think fell somewhere there. At that moment I was more concerned about his storming off than the paper. Frankly, I was even hurt by his behavior. So when he went out I returned to my seat next to bro and waited. Dad told me to go wait in the lounge.

                 I was about to go into the lounge when I got a text "Bahar ladki ne dekha". I looked up and saw that he was standing outside the lounge. I went to him and told him that I had got something for him which I lost. He told me that one of the girl in our group had seen us. He told me that the handwash area could be seen from where people were sitting. So basically I had upset him. 

                 I went to the lounge and sat and thought about it. The europhia was over and worry took place. I asked him if he would wait till 3 and he said yes in a very irritated tone. 

                 The next half hour I couldn't feel at ease. I was feeling nervous. When we finally came out to go to our train once again I tried to search for him. I couldn't see him anywhere. The whole process of looking for every male started. When we were a little away from our coach I saw him standing at the door of my coach. As we were approaching, he moved ahead. I kept staring at his back.

                 I kept pacing the coach but the relatives wouldn't let me go out of their sight.  I couldn't manage to see him again. Looking at the circumstances, I had already achieved quite a lot :)
                 Later when the train started and we took our places I found time to call S. I was happy that he did not mind that debacle I did in the restaurant as much as I thought he would. So yes one panga less in life! I was busy dreaming the rest of the journey!

                 When you are so away from the love of your life what can  you not do to just see them for half an hour? This unexpected half hour was more than enough for us although at that time I kept whining how I could have seen more of him if he had come before my train arrived and we  would not have wasted so much time just struggling to catch up. Seems like everyone had business with him in those 15 minutes that mattered!
                 This thrilling date that we had will go into those stories that we will someday remember and laugh at when we are old and wrinkled and still together and still falling in love with each other ;)