A goodbye?

Dear S,
Maybe you will never read this. I m still reaching out to you in search of my S who will look within and hear me. Those beautiful moments  in which I saw you, those years I prayed for us, all those memories that surround me, would they vanish just like that? You are angry or maybe you are just you, but the wall you have built is killing me..
 I tried and I tried really hard, I swear.
 I was never sure of what to do to be close to you as soon as possible. I tried liking physics and maths to get into engineering, but within few months I knew it was a lost case. I could never spend my life writing codes or revel in my work.
I got into a course that would finish in four years. During the course I realised that I could do much better with a MBA degree to go with it. It will only add to my prospects. That's all I wish. I don't want any fancy wedding, I don't want an exotic outing. I don't want a husband to provide for all my needs while I contend myself with the kitchen work and TV. I m not cut for that. I like to have my say too. I want to give my share too. To our home. To our respective families. To our future.
Till now I have agreed to all you say. Sometimes to keep peace. Sometimes because I trust you and sometimes because I love you more than the issue at hand. This one time please listen to me.

I might appear weak and a loser to you and all those who read this. You might wonder why am I pleading with you when its my life and I can totally decide what I want to do. If the choice at hand is to lose you, its as good as being dead. Maybe I already am.

It hurts. It hurts very very much.
To see this blog and read all those loving posts which drip with the love you once gave me.
To open the mail box and see no mails or offliners from you.
To see all those books on which I scribbled poems for you.
To see random couples walking in the rains
To not being tempted to see your photos.
To listen to the radio which plays songs which remind me of you.
To pass through the places that have memories of you
To see the gift left incomplete for you..
To dial your number and erase it all day.
To wipe the tears and act like everything is ok...
To call you up and hear its switched off..

I m aching.. Just aching.. Have I been so mistaken?  Will  I never find my S back? I m waiting.. Waiting all day and all night.. Just for a text or mail or a call.. One that will say that I m missed. One that will say I m special..

S, I love you. I love you very much.. Don't do this to me.. To us.. Just think of what all  you are ruining for a temporary arrangement. Think of me..

If you can promise and convince that I will be the one, I would have gone all the way.. I m scared.. Dead scared of what lies ahead..





P.S: Readers, if there is no reply within 24 hours for this mail, consider this blog closed. Sorry to leave you all midway. If my love will leave me, I see no reason to continue.. I won't  be capable of loving or believing in  love if this goes wrong. Blessed be people. Hold on to the one you love. There are enough love stories to keep the faith alive..

Rewinding the songs..

             There are some songs which become memories. Some songs become favorites because of their sheer brilliance and some songs are long cherished because of the memories they carry. While they are ignored at the moment, years later they still remain in that corner of the heart reminding you of a memory unsung.. There are songs which bring a nostalgic tear into my eyes, some which bring back the pains which have been buried deep, some which tingle me with the fun I once had, some which bring a smile with them and some which make me miss the times and people who shared that memory..
             
            Accha sila diya tune mere pyar ka-  I often don't remember the name of this singer. I had to google it today :P But there was one time when I was crazy about him. That time was 1996 when I was only 4 years old! Yes, he might have been my first favorite singer. Its hard to understand what a 4 year girl could connect to this song but this was my favorite song from his album. The singer is Attaullah Khan. Unheard of in today's times. My mama would play this album on his tape recorder. My masi fed me on a story about him (which, I later realised , is the story of the film). Because I had never seen who this man was, I even proclaimed that I will marry him one day :P
           I would throw a tantrum when mama wouldn't play the song. Once, when he was not home, I climbed on the edge of the bed to reach the tape recorder to play the song. As I inched forward , I lost my balance and fell down. In no time, my naani and maasi became hysterical. I was bleeding.. That brought a end to the craze of listening everyday but this song still brings back those memories.

        Dil leke haan- This song from Na tum jaano na hum has a very funny side to it. Me and a relative of mine (who by the way is 8 years older to me) would pass our time watching music videos in the day time during vacations. We two would dance on some steps with me often becoming the girl and she the guy. So one of those times, we emulated the exact steps of Esha and Hrithik. So perfect that we made sure everyone saw it. We danced to it every time it played on TV. We forced everyone to see it :P When anyone visited the house, they were made to sit and watch us dance :D :D crazy crazy times.. I would roll with laughter everytime I remember it !

        Aashiq banaya aapne: It was in the year 2005 when Himesh Reshammiya rocked the nation with this nasal  vocal chords. The "surooooooooooooor" fever and his hits from Ashiq banaya aapne gave the background music while my romance with S bloomed in the cyber cafe.
       I had put some of our pictures in my new phone and while I was checking out those pics I was listening to music. I don't what I pressed but because of that our picture used to get displayed each time I clicked to play this song :P :P No matter how much I changed the setting, it wouldn't go! I became the laughing stock of my group  until I had to revert back to factory setting :P

       Bahut pyar karte hai tumko sanam- The first song which I sang for S ;) Very very special for me..
   
       Mahiya- The first ever time I danced on stage to a self choreographed song that too in front of my parents and did all the nakhras and natak thinking as if only S is watching :P :P Maybe I wouldn't be able to do it in front of  S  :P

       These are only a few from such a large number of songs that have special memories :)
        Recent song to go to the list is Chinta ta ta chita chita :P :P  I used to get irritated with this song until something funny happened with S :P
        Last week I got a little irritated with him over something and switched over to the radio. I swear every single radio station was playing this Chinta ta ta at the same time (different paragraphs though) !! I couldn't stop giggling :P
     
     

       

     

      

Rainy memories..

                 Its been a lazy summer which extended well till the end of June. The sweltering heat was yet to give any respite. All my dreams of sleeping late in the rainy mornings (while the school kids go to school ) was down the drains as afternoon workouts became unbearable and I had to drag my lazy self to exercise in the mornings.
                 And then one morning, I struggled to open my eyelids even as the mobile blared at full volume to wake me up. Aha! Perfect morning. The large French windows tried to keep steady as the strong winds pushed it. The water knocked gently at first and then vehemently as if trying to garner the attention of the blessed owner still sleeping (read me). After deciding to give the morning class a miss I allowed myself the luxury of sleep past 7.
                 A rainy day, a perfectly jobless me, ginger tea and memories come flooding by...

               The earliest memories that I have of rainy days are those from my childhood (quite obvious :P)
 
              I remember not being able to go out to play in rainy days. My friends used to sail paper boats in the rain water which used to accumulate in front of our houses. Being the delicate one, I was never allowed to do that much.
              The umbrellas used to kept open under the fan to dry and sometimes clothes over it too.. This became like a tent for me to venture into.. I would sit under the umbrellas and be lost in  my world. This was like my own home within a home and I would practically be living in it.
              Once some of my friends found me playing and were irresistably drawn into the game and since then bye-bye paper boats and playing in rains, umbrella  house it is!

               One of the rainy memories which keep coming to me is about a certain best friend I once had. We used to go to the same dance class which would leave at 8.30. Usually we both would come back together. I was about 10 then and she about 12. IT was raining hard that night. We had only one umbrella between the two of us. 

              The class left and we both decided to take the long cut back home :P The main road was already flooded and there were only a few people on the road. The narrow streets wore a deserted look. Unknown to the dangers of that night, we merrily tread through the waters. To top it, we kept singing all the way home. I still remember the song that we so loudly sang, "Mere khuda mujhe itna bata kya aisa bhi hota hai pyaar" by Lucky Ali ! 

              Sharing an umbrella in such rains or coming home drenched made no difference. We were soaked as it is by the time we reached my home.. to see it locked ! My Mom had gone searching for me with an umbrella. It dawned on us that while we were happily spluttering around in the waters, our parents were frantically looking for us. The long cut was definitely not thought of by both the parental units :D 

              We got lucky and didn't get scolded though! It still remains a very happy memory of a very carefree time I once had..

           The recent addition to the rainy memories was with S in Goa. We decided to go to the beach early morning. It was cloudy but we did not carry umbrella as  we were going to get drenched in the waters anyway. 

          We walked halfway to the beach and it started raining. S insisted we keep moving but I thought it would stop in sometime and we took shelter under a roof of a shop. The shops were not open and the road all lonely. We kept waiting for the rains to stop but they wont! 

      S-   "I told you we should keep walking, we would have reached the beach by now"

      Me- Ok, so lets start walking now. What difference does it make?

      S- Shall we start?

      Me- Yeah chalo!

      4 second silence

      S- Nahi sardi ho jayegi tumhe :P 

          And so we waited some more. I consistently prayed to the rain God to please stop now but Rain God was in no mood to answer my prayer that day. After some more time waiting, we decided to walk to the beach. It was a good idea until my shorts got too heavy with all the water they soaked and the Tshirt started clinging to my body :P I again stood under a roof. S was too cold and shivering! I stood there hugging myself and later hugging him. The rain finally had some mercy and started slowing down a bit and we quickly made way into the beach waters. 

         The sea water was surprisingly warm and we sat there for a long time with S trying to go more into the waters while I sat close to the shores. He tried to pull me into the waters but I was petrified of venturing more. He assured me that he would hold me but when a  wave came to hit me and I lost balance he pulled me by my leg :P :P That's all that needed to sway me into the waters and him to realise that water really wants me :P :P 

          Out of the water and into the cold streets again! This time we held on close as we walked. Though the rains had mellowed down , the winds kept blowing harshly. 

          S had wrapped some money and my mobile phone in a plastic and given it to me. I had kept that in my shorts pockets and when we retrieved it back... the  mobile had stopped working. Thank God it was just a temporary old phone I was carrying!

          The next few minutes, I kept frantically trying to make it work and S kept asking me to dry myself or else I will catch cold.. The phone wouldn't work and I relented to S ... Thankfully all went well even though I was phoneless for the next 2 days :D 

                                                 

         That day it kept raining on and off.. When S was leaving, we walked under the same umbrella and I thought, "This has to be the best monsoon.." I kept staring at him and he kept asking "What?" and all I said was "Nothing." I was freezing every second of that walk in my memory. Every detail of his face, every movement of his muscles which I felt as we kept walking, every chill that passed into me when the winds suddenly blew strong and every expression that he gave as I held him closer when it chilled.. 

                                                           

                                 Happy monsoon readers! What's your favorite monsoon memory??

Falling in love all over again..

              Yes I have fallen in love again. This time fully knowing what I m getting into. When I fell in love five years back, I was naive to the ways of love and to what a relation means. I faltered and erred. Much more than I would have realized then. I ran out of love, sometimes too indulged in my own worries. I hurt.. a lot more than I was ready for. Just when I thought I have experienced all that love holds, I fell in love. All over again. With the same man 
           
              12th June, early morning (8 a.m :P) Sagar restaurant.
             
             S and I had gone to have breakfast at this place. Now this restaurant is on the first floor and has its kitchen on the ground floor. The cash counter, where S and I were standing, was just close to the stairs at the entrance. He was waiting to make the payment when he realized we left behind the bottle of water on our table. He asked me to fetch it. I made one smart movement, my attention fully on my target -the bottle! Little did I know that the moment I turned, the floor had given way to the stairs :P And there went I , down the stairs!
             I thought I would go straight to the ground floor but luckily I got my grip and held on after falling 4 to 5 steps. Damage was already done. The entire floor had its eye on me
                                               
           While I was sliding down the stairs  thoughts  on my mind were:

1. The entire floor is watching you! Run!!!
2. S is hiding his face maybe! What a clumsy girlfriend he has :P 
3. What if S shouts at me for being so stupid? In front of everyone!
4. My behind hurts :P and my hands are burning!!!

         I got up to see S all worried and right there. Instead of getting mad at me ( I could have done something toofani like break my head with that stunt of mine) he pulled me closer to ask if I was alright. Not once bothering to look around and see how many people were watching us.That won me 

        Although I kept bickering over how stupid I looked due to the fall , it was done away with his reassurances ! 

        Thank you S for all the wonderful ways you care for me 

        51.. Love it when we talk utter nonsense and keep arguing about who speaks the right mother tongue.

              

     

        52.. Love it when you hold my hands and say nothing and yet I feel everything.  

        53.. Love it when you leave those messages in my inbox while I m away.. 

         

        54.. Love it when you call me your gudiya.. 

        55.. Love it when you shy away when I make you smile while you chat from office 

        56.. Love it when you hold  me like nothing is going to take me away from me 

        57.. Love it when you listen to all that I blabber and when I ask you "What did I just say", you are able to say my exact words !!!  

        58.. Love the way we keep teasing each other with all kind of names!! 

        59.. Love the fighting with you.. 

        60.. Love the fact that you have given me the best two days of my life.. 

           Love you sooo much S !

Prayers Answered :D

             A few days back I was a bundle of nerves. I was fervently praying and asking others to do the same for me. Like I promised- details later :D So here is how the story goes..
             I was supposed to go to a field trip to Goa with my friends. With much persuading, I had convinced my parents to let me go one more time to the same place with the same people. So far so good. Complications began when all my friends starting dropping out one by one and instead packed into the field trip to Manali. Manali was a big NO from my home. I was left with two options- Goa or nowhere.
             Some of my classmates were making plans to bring along their boyfriends (secretly ofcourse) and just out of the blue I asked S if he would come. At first he was reluctant to promise because of the nature of his work and we went through so many tiffs because of it. I was unsure if I should go or not. If he would not turn up I would simply rot to boredom because there was no one, I was comfortable with, on the tour.
            We were 60 days away from the trip and pretty much confused. With much deliberation I made the advance payment. Skeptical about the events that would follow. Fearing the worse.
             The days that followed were the full of frustrations and temper. We fought almost everyday. I thought he no longer cared while he thought I just don't see sense :P With my feelings completely made to feel invalid, I was worried if I had made the right choice.
             2 days before the trip was to be made, S booked his tickets and the hotel. The very next day we had a bitter fight. The negativity of it was getting to me. The thing with being the one to propose first is that you constantly feel you are the one who needed the other. I wondered if he even needed me in the first place.. I had told him in anger that I would not talk to him unless he talks and gives me reason enough to believe that he wants me as much as I want him.
              The next day I woke up with a text asking me to check my mail. I called him up as it was too early to go online from home. The voice, that answered the call, had me. It was the same tenderness with which we used to talk when we were alone. Somehow that never happens as much. No matter how hurt I m, it is bound to get me to forgive him. Like it did that day..
              That morning I opened my mail and reread it again. I was all smiles the entire day (although I didn't tell him that). He proposed me again in that mail :)
              Now that we both were together all I was worried about was the other factors. Right from safe travel, accomodation, the lies, the calls, everything! Now paranoid is an understatement for that!
              With bated breathe I waited for the morning of 12th June. On the morning of 12th June I saw him waiting for me. That was enough to set aside some worries. It was 8 months since I hugged him!!
              In two days we lived our dream. Somehow whenever we meet, it seems like a dream to me. Everything went perfect without any glitches. Touchwood.
              We sat together on the beach, watching the waves lap on the shores..
              We held on to each other as if making up for each moment spent apart..
              We walked hand in hand on the sand leaving behind imprints of togetherness..
              We woke up with the assurance of having each other at arms distance.
              We got drenched in our first monsoon together and then held close, trembling in the cold winds..
              We walked the distance which neither of us could do all alone..
              We watched the sun set putting an end to the wonderful day we had.
             
Thank you so much my dear readers for the prayers and comments. I and S read it together :)
               

                                 
              

Pray for me

             The last couple of months have taxing on me. I pondered on things which were so obvious to me sometime back. I couldn't keep pace with all that was happening to me and around me.
             What's been done is done. The next 4 days are going to be life defining for me and S.
             All you readers have been with me through the months, encouraging me to write and making me smile with your comments. I want you all to pray for us.
             I strongly believe in the concept of cumulative prayers. Please do spread the energy into the universe to keep us together and safe :)
             More about the details later !

Little things in me :P

               I was really really hungry coming back from college and I had run out of  my packet of peanuts :P Though I had resolved not to eat before reaching home, this time I had even run out of change to go back home. Rather than listening to that rant "Kahase change leke ayenge madam, mera first round hai! " from the bus conductor ( Dude I have enough issues than listening to your chutta problems and funnily enough you never have change when I fail to give you the perfect change!! Hmppph) I bought a packet of bourbon from the nearby shop and a packet full of change :D :D

              Sitting by the window seat, I opened my packet of cream biscuit (wasn't that how we used to call such biscuits??) I even parted the two sides of the biscuit when I spotted the neighboring aunty eyeing my biscuit! What?? Now I can't even have my biscuit in peace? I promptly shut them back together and ate it whole like normal adults are supposed to :P

               I like to part the two sides. First eat the non cream part. Then remove the cream from the other part and eat the biscuit and then slowly devour the cream.. Messy ? YEa.. But I like it that way :D
               I don't buy chocolates and keep them for freezing :D I like them melting on my fingers and my lips :P And then lick my fingers when I m done.
                                       
               I like my chaas to be made a little thick and not churned to a water consistency so that when I m done with the drinking, I can eat the rest :D :D

               When I m served at home, I eat what I don't like first :P I keep my favorite things for the last so that I can enjoy it. I m often teased for it by my family and they ask me, "You don't want this??"
               I pick out paneer or prawns from the gravy and line it all around my plate in a good design and then finish them off last! Some creativity I started as a kid :P

           
               If I happen to kick a pebble on the road, I make sure I kick it till reach my destination :P Some OCD !
               When I m not talking on the phone, I m usually singing on the road :P I somehow remember the most weird songs on road. Like "Hum tere jaanemann na hote, powder banke tere gaaalo ko sehlaate" ( IT really is a song from the movie pran jaye par shan na jaye :P I know kisine nahi dekha hoga! It has Sushmita Sen in it!)

               I sing along with the advertisements and irritate my brother with crappy film dialogues. One of the times I was trying to harass him with Singham dialogue "Pappa paappa ye log bahut khatarnaaaakk hai" and that smarty recorded it on my Dad's phone. You can imagine my Dad's uncontrollable laughter :P
             
               There's another wonderful things about me- I blog the most when I have exams :D :D