Wednesday, 1 August 2012

A goodbye?

Dear S,
Maybe you will never read this. I m still reaching out to you in search of my S who will look within and hear me. Those beautiful moments  in which I saw you, those years I prayed for us, all those memories that surround me, would they vanish just like that? You are angry or maybe you are just you, but the wall you have built is killing me..
 I tried and I tried really hard, I swear.
 I was never sure of what to do to be close to you as soon as possible. I tried liking physics and maths to get into engineering, but within few months I knew it was a lost case. I could never spend my life writing codes or revel in my work.
I got into a course that would finish in four years. During the course I realised that I could do much better with a MBA degree to go with it. It will only add to my prospects. That's all I wish. I don't want any fancy wedding, I don't want an exotic outing. I don't want a husband to provide for all my needs while I contend myself with the kitchen work and TV. I m not cut for that. I like to have my say too. I want to give my share too. To our home. To our respective families. To our future.
Till now I have agreed to all you say. Sometimes to keep peace. Sometimes because I trust you and sometimes because I love you more than the issue at hand. This one time please listen to me.

I might appear weak and a loser to you and all those who read this. You might wonder why am I pleading with you when its my life and I can totally decide what I want to do. If the choice at hand is to lose you, its as good as being dead. Maybe I already am.

It hurts. It hurts very very much.
To see this blog and read all those loving posts which drip with the love you once gave me.
To open the mail box and see no mails or offliners from you.
To see all those books on which I scribbled poems for you.
To see random couples walking in the rains
To not being tempted to see your photos.
To listen to the radio which plays songs which remind me of you.
To pass through the places that have memories of you
To see the gift left incomplete for you..
To dial your number and erase it all day.
To wipe the tears and act like everything is ok...
To call you up and hear its switched off..

I m aching.. Just aching.. Have I been so mistaken?  Will  I never find my S back? I m waiting.. Waiting all day and all night.. Just for a text or mail or a call.. One that will say that I m missed. One that will say I m special..

S, I love you. I love you very much.. Don't do this to me.. To us.. Just think of what all  you are ruining for a temporary arrangement. Think of me..

If you can promise and convince that I will be the one, I would have gone all the way.. I m scared.. Dead scared of what lies ahead..

P.S: Readers, if there is no reply within 24 hours for this mail, consider this blog closed. Sorry to leave you all midway. If my love will leave me, I see no reason to continue.. I won't  be capable of loving or believing in  love if this goes wrong. Blessed be people. Hold on to the one you love. There are enough love stories to keep the faith alive..


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