Monday, 30 April 2012


                     Public displays of affection (PDA or PDOA) are acts of physical intimacy in the view of others. via Wikipedia :D  But we, in general, call a lot more things as "PDA". 
               Of late, my facebook page is crowded with such PDA. What do you call "Babbbby I love you :* :*" ??? Isn't that virtual kissing on social networking?? So I can safely call that PDA right? 
               I m no one to condemn PDA. Heck I even find some of it cute. Provided it is genuine affection. "Genuine" being the keyword. 
                Now we have quite evolved from the times when couple holding hands or kissing was gawked at. Agreed there is serious dearth of privacy. But that does not mean that you force me to see how deep  your love is ! 
               I know of this couple who take along their friends on most outings ( serious exhibition disorder) and for those who don't go with them- they put on ample pictures on fb. The moment you like or comment on any of those pics you are flooded with notifications which have nothing to do with what you wrote. They start their mutual admiration there and you get bugged with those red notifications which only include "Awwww" ":* :*" "<3 <3 <3" Real case!
                Then there is the kind of PDA which you are compelled to witness because there is no choice! Like you are scribbling your notes from the reference book in the library and there is this couple leaning on each other (well almost) and smiling at each other while the librarian is engrossed in his newspaper. 
               There are so many friends of mine on facebook who go into this "I-m-so-madly-in-love-and-I-will-let-the-whole-world-know" mode too seriously. Then there are photo updates clicked by their beloved every hour, followed by commenting and liking each other's comment. They will come online as "invisible" and manage to make themselves visible to everyone with their updates! 
               They will write on each other's walls things that could be better said by texting or that inbox thing on facebook. All this while if you are the fool who commented on anything, then your harassment will not be considered.
               I have this classmate of mine who is in a relationship with our senior. While she is outgoing and wears her relationship on her sleeve, he is a bit of an introvert. Her gmail status gives the update of her relationship as "17 months" right now :D Seriously?? What record are we creating by the way? If you have seen her only once, then too you will be given an eyeful of her status. Eyeful because she makes sure everybody sees who she is dating. The funny deal about this is that I have seen her behave with her armcandy when no one's watching. Not so pleasing to watch a girl clicking her fingers and asking him to "watch my bags" :P 
                    The biggest PDA which I have to bear is while travelling in train! Believe it or not, just while you will get a comfortable seat to rest your behind and would be on the verge of taking that nap, you will get that girl who will chuckle and giggle and talk loud enough to know how rocking her romantic life is! 
                    On my way to college I manage to get a window seat. Still 25 minutes to be spent in train and I close my eyes.
                   "Nahi shona tum apna jacket yehi bhool gaye"
                   I open my eyes in amazement of the pitch in which this was said. The aunties gossiping about their mom-in-laws are not listening in rapt attention to this.
                   "Jacket bhi chhod gaye aur mujhe bhi yahi chhod gaye."
                  I almost laughed at the way she was baby talking. I bent a little to see who this was and surprise surprise. It was not a teenaged lovestruck girl. It was a women well into her late 20s atleast. Typical office going class. Now this was what the aunties were so amused and didn't give that "kids these days" kind of expression :D :D 
                   I gathered that her guy was out of town and probably out to book his tickets back home. This lady here decided to act even more childish.
                  "Tum mera phone cut kiye bina hi ticket book karo."
                  The poor fellow, I think, was convincing her to keep the phone so that he could talk to someone at the counter. :P 
                  "Mujhe nahi pata, mera phone kaate bina karo jo karna hai " 
                   this sounded almost like, "mujhe nahi pata, mela phone kaate bina kalo jo kalna hai" :D :D Baby talk you see :D 
                 Andd the latest addition to this list is a female from my yoga class. While we exert and pant to get it right, this female checks her phone! And anytime in that one hour, she will get a call from her other half. If she is energetic enough to walk out and talk then bless us, but if she is too lazy she will sit back and chat while we do the breathing exercises ! And then we know her boyfriend is very tired after work, what he is going to eat, when he is going to sleep etc etc. 
                REcently someone told me, "You know your blog is comparatively lot less mushy than what other love blogs are" :P 
                To which I said, "I write less mush coz there's not much mush in my life, courtesy the virgo other half" :P 
                I accept that blog too is a PDA but unlike these real life situations, you atleast have a choice :P 

P.S : Sorry people I have been very bad and not commented back on any of your comments. I will reply back hence forth pakka promise :D
P.P.S: Thank you Alcina  for your mail and asking me to come back :D 

Monday, 9 April 2012

Love yourself!

               There are just too many issues on my head right now. At times I feel my brain is going to burst and every little thought that is pounding my nerves will jump out. I slept every night wishing that the next day would be brighter. I woke up every morning feeling happy that I have made through another day and anxious about losing another day. Strange!
               I spoke less and thought more. Thought about every damn thing that ever happened to me. About friendships gone sour, about the back biting, about the expectations I couldn't live upto, about the way I hurt myself and about that ghastly face I saw in the mirror everyday. Something was wrong. This wasn't my life.
               I spent hours in front of the laptop screen. Waiting for that idea to translate into words so that I can write something. I felt robbed of the only thing that relieves me. Words failed me. I wondered if really some "buri nazar" was on me.
               I felt myself fuming with rage. A latent lava of emotions waiting to erupt. I walked till I could no longer think. I wondered on whom I was so angry. Was it the sudden change of plans my friends did without consulting me? Was it because another friend was too busy to respond to my text? Was it because Dad said something I didn't like? Was it because S was behaving difficult? Was it because bro wasn't studying like I wanted him to even though I drained my energy trying to make him understand the concepts? Was it because Mom kept telling me what to do even though I did it perfectly well? Were these reasons big enough to justify what I was feeling?
               Why did I just did not have the "mood" to open my books? Why did I no longer feel the need to watch any movie? Why do I not feel any excitement to go to Manali where all my friends were going? I was losing something.. Was I going into that abyss called depression?
                Somewhere along the lane, I had stopped loving myself. I m that kind of a person who needs assurance once in a while. Someone to say "you did well" when I lose, someone to say "You can do it" when I m low. I feel sidelined and ignored easily. Someone told me that these are traits you pick up in your childhood. Maybe yes. With both parents working and me being in care of my grandparents I always looked for approval. And in absence of it,  I somehow spiraled down. I lost control of my life. I lose control of my feelings.
               I read somewhere in someone's status message, "There cums a tym wen u hve 2 b u'r own hero.....Becz sumtymz,d ppl u cn't live widout,cn live widout u"
               I feel that is what I need to do now. After reading endless google articles, all I gather is they have a single message "Love yourself and be happy." 
                    How do I start loving myself? 
                   I realise pampering myself to Monginis pastry and Mac Donald's walnut brownie is not loving myself. 
                  First things first - I have to deal with the health issues. This requires patience and a lot of discipline. With regular work out and a planned schedule! 
                  The piles of notes have to sorted and studied. With less than a month left for exams, priorities have to be decided. 
                  I need to be more patient with S and give our relation the time it needs right now. 
                  I have to deal with the hurt egos and make up with some people. 
                  I need to do what I love more often. I have already started writing here and I m cooking more often :)
                  I need to catch up more on my sleep. Just put on that face pack and roam all about the house giving mini heart attacks to people around :P 
P.S : Sorry people for not replying to comments on the last post. As you see I was not feeling ok to do that..
P.P.S : Sujatha you were right.  There were layers to the post. I did not myself clearly know what I was writing :D

Sunday, 1 April 2012


                 I was a strong individual to begin with. I still am in certain matters. I have my own set of ideas and experiences which have molded me this way. Each one of us has it. Some retain it forever and some change without even knowing. I fall into the latter category.
                 When I think back and look at my life in the last 5-6 years, I cannot recognise myself. It is easier for me to look back because I have each of my thoughts captured in my diary. The change has been monumental.
                 Some years back I had someone in my life who was my alter ego. Who knew my thoughts better than me. Who accepted my dark side with as much grace as my bright. I had someone I could talk without holding back anything, fully knowing that I m accepted. She was my best friend. The one who adored me. Who idolized me for the good in me and who lashed at me for my weakness but never turned away from me. And then one day she just came to me and told me she no longer wanted to be my friend. In the 7 years of my friendship with her, we were inseparable. Talking almost everyday. I knew every little detail of her life, her ambitions, her dreams, her faults and her guilts.
                 She told me she couldn't keep up with me. She couldn't call me as often as I called her (we stayed very close by but a year after me moving places she told me this) and there was no way we could be friends. It was a rude shock for me. I cried, I begged her to tell me what the matter was. Without even knowing my fault, I kept apologizing and promising that I will do as she wishes but she stayed unmoved. She left a huge dark spot called "best friend" in my life.
                She killed something in me. She changed me. I m scared of being too close to friends. I keep up with the dates they ask me to meet, I never miss wishing anyone on their birthday, I extend my help whenever they want. But beyond that- I keep away. Ironically, whenever I came close to trusting people to be there for me they have proved otherwise. Maybe at that particular time they were preoccupied, but still..
               S came into my life at a time I was too burdened with expectations. He showered me with lot of attention and tenderness. From a girl looking at everyone with suspicion I became someone trusting. From someone who thought all the time about success, I started looking at the personal joys. From someone who believed people should stay as long as they are happy, I became someone who waited for bad times to tide over.
               Always a late night person, I started sleeping early. When I say that I sleep by 11 my friends tease me "Ye pehli insaan hai jo pyaar honeke baad jaldi sone lagi hai".
               Someone close to me told me "S is the only person who can change your mood in seconds.. No one has ever been able to do that."
              This coming from someone who knows me for a long time! Yes I have changed. For better or for worse I don't know. I like it or not I don't know.
              If everything changes, then why don't my feelings change? I wonder why the rule doesn't apply here.
Why can't I let go of things easily still? Why can't I  not bother about people who move on in life? Why does my heart rule over my mind ?
             Some people say that they would like to have their old selves back. I don't know if I want to be like I was 4-5 years back. I don't know if I was good then or bad now!!
            All I know is I want to be me.. just for the sake of sanity, I want to do as I wish. id ego is what they call it in psychology. My id ego is almost dead. Between what is expected of me and what is imposed on me, I have lost "Me".
            Its time to change and the change begins from me. I need to find me..


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